


To Be Yourself

by Carlosaphina



Category: Star Trek
Genre: Angst, Coming Out, Drinking (mild), Helping the crew, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, M/M, Speeches, its 2 am and my brain is fried so I’m sorry for mistakes
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-19
Updated: 2020-06-25
Packaged: 2021-03-03 01:15:43
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,872
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24266503
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Carlosaphina/pseuds/Carlosaphina
Summary: Summary: Jim comes out to the crew, and talks about his trauma, and Spock knows that Jim has a massive crush on him, so how is he supposed to tell Jim that he's dating his brother?Original Idea: The enterprise is basically one big therapy group. Jim talks about his problems and then the crew becomes closer. Eventual Spirk.June 8, 2020 -- This has more angst (alluded to) than I meant for there to be in the Original Idea.
Relationships: George Samuel Kirk/Spock, James T. Kirk/Spock
Comments: 3
Kudos: 10





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I got this idea after spending too much time researching about abuse (IDEK why).

This was the first shore leave that the crew had gotten in weeks and it was only 2 days long, so most of the Enterprise’s crew had gathered near the original beaming point. There were only a few hours left of shore leave and Jim, over his Saurian brandy, could see that no one had truly wound down. And then a fight broke out. Jim only got to hear a few words, but it went something like this, “whore... sleep with multiple girls... bitch.” Jim got up to stop the fight, and saw that the people fighting were J’dok’tu, a 27 year old gender fluid Andorian adoptee who was probably the most sexual being on the Enterprise and had been in service for 2 years, and Patrick, a conservative human male who was in his late 30s. Patrick had been known to have problems with the ‘unnatural,’ and he was open about his dislike. Jim broke up the fight, but not before he bruised his rib after having to pull them apart.

Jim knew morale had been low, but he hadn’t seen a fight break out amongst his crew. He needed to do something.

*****  
This was a bad idea, gathering his crew for a ‘meeting’ to make them feel welcome, by dumping his life story on them. Jim glances around, before he clapped, to get everyone’s attention. He then stepped onto a platform a foot off the ground and just stared at his crew. After an awkward silence, and a few giggles and whispers, Jim spoke up.   
“You all know me,” of course they do. You’re their captain, Jim, use your brain, “... as your captain, former classmate, or friend. Well, I know you all as my friends and as family, so I wanted to say thank you for that.” A round of applause rang through the room, and someone said ‘hear, hear,’ “I trust all of you, and want to make each and every one of you feel welcome here. Whether you need to talk, or just need people to accept you... we’re all here for you. To make this seem less... I don’t know, nerve wracking, I’ll go first. I have known I was queer since I was 5. I kissed a boy and he kissed me back and I liked it.” Most people applauded, but a lot looked shocked at this new information, “My discoveries about who I was didn’t mean much for the next few years. I’m not saying that because I think sexuality isn’t important, but rather because I had more important problems than finding myself. I was abused by my step father, Frank, since he came along in my family when I was 5 and 1/2. My brother and Frank were the only ones around until I was 10. I was abused— verbally, emotionally, and sexually. I was raped, starved and—” Jim’s voice cracked “I didn’t know whether living to tomorrow was truly worth it. Sam, my brother, left me alone with Frank when I was 10, so I got double the abuse that I would get previously. I was absolutely alone. So one day, when I was 12, I drove a car off a cliff. I survived, but barely. My backbone had snapped into 4 pieces, my ribs had been crushed, and shrapnel went into my body. I was in the hospital for a month, recovering, and the doctors discovered the signs of my abuse. They didn’t send me home, and I had nowhere to go. They gave me many options, but the one that felt... best was to a place called Tarsus— Tarsus IV.” Most of the crew— Jim’s crew— were gaping, a lot of them thinking about how he seemed so... different from the story he told. “The first year there was wonderful. It was everything a teenager could ask for. My classes weren’t mandatory, and I only needed to submit my work every 40 days. I think that was the happiest time in my life. Then, in the middle of the night, everyone was rounded up and told that there was a planet wide meeting. I had my neighbor, K’trostha and her wife, Hoshi Sato, with me. They are the reason I’m still alive. When the phaser fire started, everyone was screaming, but there was no way out. K’trostha and Sato covered my body along with a few other kids too. K’trostha died within minutes, but Sato was shot in her leg, and through an artery, so her death wasn’t slow. She died after 7 hours. The firing had stopped, so us kids ran away from the place, finding ourselves in a cave. Originally there were 13 of us. Only 10 survived. We were rescued less than two months later. I had to escape the PTSD I had, so I started studying, which was ineffective, to say the least. I started drinking, but then Pike showed up. Made me who I am today. So... yeah. I still have flashbacks, and I have panic attacks, but I think I’m ok.” Jim surveyed the room, unsure of himself. “How are you doing so well right now?” an ensign asked. “I was doing an exchange program with Vulcan when I first joined the Academy. I learned to meditate, and how to cope there. Does anyone want to talk about their General life experiences?” A short silence was followed by a lieutenant who raised her hand and started, “I was locked in a closet when I didn’t do something right...”

TBC


	2. Chapter 2

**What am I doing?** was the first thought Jim had after he finished telling everyone his story. He had expected everyone to shun him, because he basically lived a lie. Thankfully, no one actually seemed anything more than surprised. Footsteps, from around 3 meters behind him stopped him. He turned around, just as the footsteps owner said, "Jim." Too late, Jim had nerve pinched him. "Shit. I did not mean to do that."

* * *

"Hi Spock," were the first words that Spock heard after he had regained conscious, "I'm so sorry. I didn't realize it was you." Spock raised an eyebrow, "Ok, I know apologies are illogical, but like... yeah. Your neck is probably sore now, and you've probably been thrown off your internal clock and like, I , your, you probab- "

"How long was I unconscious?"

"Oh. Um. 6 minutes and... 5 seconds."

" I wished to speak with you about your speech."

"Ok... well. Here we are. " Jim suddenly composed himself "If you've a problem with my orientation, then I don't want to hear it. I can get you a reassignment. I hear that Captain Xea- Xeofrsy has a need for a science officer."

Spock just watched him. After a beat, he said, "It would be hypocritical of me to be... I believe the word is homophobic. My species are unfamiliar with the concept, and we have been for the past centuries." 

"Wait, you're gay? How come you come out to me now? I told you I was omnisexual after a month of talking to you!" 

"I am not gay."

"Then what are you?" Jim asked, realizing how rude that sounded after the fact.

"I identify as asexual, panromantic. I am not attracted to people sexually."

"Ok. Back to my question. Why did you not come out to me earlier?"

"Vulcans are rather private about personal matters." 

"... So why did you tell me _now_?"

"I believed it relevant. You have just 'come out' to a larger population. It has come to my attention that it would be beneficial if you knew you... had a friend."

"Ok... Are you with anyone right now?" Jim felt sick, thinking that maybe the answer was yes. **Be happy for him, he's your friend**

"I am with you right now." Spock challenged, almost trying to lighten the mood.

Jim gulped, **If only**, "I mean, like, are you seeing anyone?"

"You are in my line of sight," Spock said, a smile nearly playing on his lips.

**Do I have to spell it out? Ok, here it goes,** "Are you dating anyone, or in any relationship with anyone other than platonic ones?"

"Yes," all the 'playfulness' was gone from Spock's demeanor.

"That's... nice," Jim said, smile forced.

* * *

"Nyota, I came out to Jim as you said. He was happy for me, as you said he would be. I alluded to Sam."

"Spock, it's 0143. I just went to sleep, so I'm going to make this quick. Jim has a huge-ass crush on you. You are going to get married in 3 fucking months. He is going to need his space, but I doubt that you can, and this is also going to be the first time he's going to see his brother in forever. I know you really care for Sam, but Jim is a more concrete part of your life. You can't have both of them. Prioritize honey. Good night."

TBC

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I have been feeling in the angsty mood, so like, this isn't turning out the way I expected it to.


	3. Chapter 3

Today was _not_ Jim's day. Not only did he have to submit his paperwork to Starfleet HQ, he had also reciieved word that a passenger was boarding their ship from a Star Base Enterprise had passed 3 days before. They had an Andorian diplomat aboard, so everything was going haywire. Jim's eyelids were drooping from his being awake for 36 consecutive hours. *Just another couple forms* he chanted in his head *87, 88, 89, phew, 90.* Jim went to bed, and just as he was about to go to sleep, his comm chimed. *Seriously?* "Kirk here" " Sir. There's a warbird approaching."

* * *

_75 hours later_

Jim had finally gotten his sleep, when he docked at the star base. He consulted his PADD, looking at the passenger list, "7 people, ok." His eyes skimmed the list once, when a name caught his eye, *G. Kirk* he though, *There are lots of Kirks out there* last time he had checked, there were 15000, not including hybrids or those not in the Federation, *Why on earth would Sam come here?* he asked himself.

"I'm going to great the passengers," he announced.

"Sir. Permission to accompany you?" Spock almost-asked.

With a nod of his head, and a slightly faster heartbeat, Jim gave him permission.

* * *

Jim opened his mouth to greet his brother, "Hello Sam," Spock said, beating him to it. Spock almost cuddled his brother (?) as he took his luggage

"What's going on here?" Jim asked, looking between Spock and his brother.

"So, well, um, sorry to barge in on your life, and I really didn't mean to, I swear. Well, ok," Sam took a deep breath in, looked Spock in the eyes, looked back at Jim and beamed, "We're gonna get married."

Jim's heart skipped a beat, in a way that scared him *This isn't happening* "Well" *Do something* "um" *Holonovels seriously never prepare you for life* "Ok. When?"

"Tomorrow," Spock said, as he stared into Sam's eyes.

"Sorry, but I have to send in my reports to Starfleet," Jim said, thinking of the first excuse he could, *This is not happening.* He turned around, tears in his eyes, but his voice sounded fine, so he said in a cheery tone, "I'm really happy for both of you."

If you asked Jim, he ran away from there, but most bystanders would say he walked briskly.

**Author's Note:**

> Please feel free to comment or give kudos.


End file.
